How to Talk (and Listen) to Someone Who is Experiencing Mental ill-Health
Photo: Rory Forbes-Lange
Words: Anya Maclure
A conversation can make all the difference…
Across Australia, we lose 9 people a day to suicide – a startling statistic that has a rippling effect for many individuals from all walks of life, directly and indirectly. Our Plank Up The Volume challenge aims to tackle this statistic directly, challenging all to plank for 9 minutes a day for 9 consecutive days, raising funds to further our free mental health surf therapy programs – which from what we’re told, have saved countless lives over the last 6 years.
A big part of this campaign is the understanding that in some instances, a conversation can make a life-changing difference to someone’s life.
Having a conversation with someone who you think may be experiencing mental ill-health may feel like a tricky and daunting situation to navigate. Our friends at RU OK have developed the ALEC model – one designed to help you take steps to engage in a conversation that might save someone’s life:
Ask
Find a time and place that is private and comfortable for both yourself and your friend (if possible). It can help to start with a question as simple as “Are you ok?”. Open-ended questions from there allow the person to answer on their own terms, at a pace that is comfortable for them. Let them know if you have noticed any behaviour which has been out of the ordinary (e.g. not wanting to attend social occasions or engage in activities they usually enjoy). It’s important to assure them that you are there for them and that it's okay to talk about their feelings. If you are concerned about their immediate safety and think that they may be suicidal, it is important to ask the question directly rather than trying to step around it: “Have you experienced any suicidal thoughts?” If the answer to this question is yes, ask them if they have a plan and a means to take their own life. If the answer to this question is yes, stay with your friend and call 000. It’s important to remember that emergency services are often an important step in ensuring that person’s safety.
Listen
After we have encouraged our mate to speak openly about their thoughts and feelings, one of the most supportive actions we can take during a conversation like this is listening without judgement. It’s important to display empathetic listening skills such as providing non-verbal cues (e.g. nodding your head, eye-contact, etc.), giving them your undivided attention and letting them talk without interruptions. Sometimes sitting in silence can be powerful, simply giving them assurance that you are there for them, and they can take all the time they need to express themselves.
Encourage Action
It’s important to know you’re not alone in supporting your friend and there’s a range of supports you can connect them in with. Remember that feeling better can take time – and it can be helpful to assure them you’re there for them throughout. Here’s a few actions you can suggest:
Seek professional help: talking to a professional can help in both the short and long-run. There are many ways to access help including online and self-help options (listed below) Try to gently encourage them rather than pressure them or place ultimatums as this can place more unwanted stress on your friend.
https://mensline.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/
If they have stated that they are currently thinking about suicide and have a plan and a means to take their own life stay with this person and call 000. Continue to support them with non-judgemental listening and let them know that you care for them while you wait for support services to arrive.
2. Encourage physical wellbeing: one of the many keys to improved mental health is improved physical wellbeing. This can take the form of eating healthily, exercising and getting enough sleep which can all enhance mood.
3. Encourage a positive inner dialogue by reassessing their situation: this is the concept of reappraisal, allowing one to look at their stressors in a different way and reassess their feelings (hopefully more positively).
4. Make a safety plan with them: a safety plan can help your mate manage psychological distress in times where no one is around. In creating one together, you can tailor it to their situational needs for them to use in times of distress and crisis. You can create one on the Beyond Blue app or even on a piece of paper – more information can be found here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
Check In
If it’s been a while since you last reached out to your friend, checking in can provide reassurance that you are there for them, reinforcing your support and fostering a positive outlook. Organise a get-together where you can do something you both enjoy. You can also revisit the idea of encouraging action if needed.
The most important thing is to show that you’re there for them and to create a safe space for them to talk. Sometimes this can be through sharing your own struggles and breaking down the stigma of mental health. After all, we will all struggle with a mental health challenge at some point in our lives.
If you are worried about someone and still not feeling confident in having a conversation, you can also call the Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467 to seek some more tailored advice on how to talk to your friend, loved one or colleague.